Fighting For Air Read online

  There I go, again. I was supposed to leave him on the floor with the clothes. Angry at myself, I climb into the shower with the hope that the burning hot water will chase him away.

  Despite my best efforts, I can’t escape my own mind. I even shiver when my fingers touch the base of my throat, the skin there imagining his callouses where they aren’t.

  Jesus, Bree. Get it together.

  I give up on the hope of letting him go. It’s been a year since he laid hands on me, and I’m still scrubbed raw. It feels like every word in my vocabulary is tangled with him somehow. Every thought, or memory, is attached to his ghost. I am officially haunted.

  Chapter Ten

  Caden

  “Girls! Dinner’s ready!” I turn the stove off and make sure none of the hot pans are sticking out for anyone to bump. Cassie’s tiny bare feet slap against the hardwood floor as she dances down the hall. She nearly runs me over when she comes around the corner, arms flapping through the air. “Woah, slow down there, killer.”

  She smiles up at me, her cheeks flushed. Still moving to imagined music, she slides into her usual seat. I scoop two spoonfuls of macaroni on her plate, right next to a hot dog with a perfect squiggly line of ketchup on it. It’s no three-cheese lasagna, but it’s at least warm and served to all three of us at the same time.

  Caitlin slumps down into her own chair, hair curled and face covered with a little too much make-up.

  “What are you all dolled up for?” She stares at me, waiting for the punch-line. Wracking my brain for any available information doesn’t get me anywhere. Whatever she has planned, I completely forgot about it.

  “I have a birthday party. Remember?” I glance up at the calendar on the wall. Sure enough, there’s the big red circle marking the date. Shit.

  “I needed you to watch Cassie.” Uncomfortable silence fills the room. The youngest at the table slinks down in her seat, trying to disappear. It’s not fair that we always fight over who’s responsible for her, both of us trying to prove whose life is more important than the other. I can’t imagine the way we make Cassie feel, like she’s a burden we both forget to remember.

  I check myself, pasting a smile and deciding from now on this won’t be an argument. Her plans are much more important than my plans, it’s part of the whole parenting thing, and from now on I’ll make the whole taking care of Cassie situation run smoother.

  “That’s okay. You should go and have fun. Cassie will just get to come on an adventure tonight.” At this new development, Cassie sits up in her chair and smiles.

  Caitlin doesn’t say anything, not even a thank you, but I tell myself to let it go. In her defense, it’s me who messed up this time.

  I scoop macaroni and cheese onto her plate, right next to a hot dog, and she pushes it away after announcing that she’s a vegetarian. Defeat grows thick in my gut.

  “Since when?”

  “Today.” I turn around and place the pot back down on the stove. I can feel tears pricking the corners of my eyes and I try to breathe through it. Placing both hands on the counter, I focus on looking out the window so my mind will stop racing. A neighbor is jogging down the sidewalk aside a large golden retriever on a leash. So normal. Easy. I jam my fingers into my eyes and rub any sign of weakness out of them.

  Both girls watch me as I pull out the bread and the peanut butter. I grab a butter knife and make a simple sandwich before walking it over and swapping it with the hot dog on Caitlin’s plate. I force a smile, hoping it’s warm. “I’ll make sure to buy some different stuff for you tomorrow, then. I’m sorry.”

  In response, Caitlin stares down at the plate. The tension in the room is thick as we all wait to see what happens next. A car outside beeps its horn and she jumps up.

  “That’s my ride.” She starts retreating, slipping into a pair of shoes as she goes.

  “You didn’t eat!” This doesn’t seem to matter to her as she continues her escape. I’ve known her for sixteen years. She won’t stop.

  “At least grab your coat!” I yell, half standing to make sure she grabs it. Thankfully, she listens. I slump back down in my seat and grab the edge of the table, staring down at her full plate of food. Cassie’s small fingers slide over my white knuckles and squeeze.

  “What’s a vegetarian? Can I be one?”

  Chapter Eleven

  Aubrey

  Music is pounding through the house when I arrive. With sweaty palms, I smooth down the fabric of my top. Myla had put out an outfit for me on my bed, a simple pair of jeans and a flowy tank-top. Most of the time I would roll my eyes at her treating me like a child, but in this case I think it was for the best. This outfit is way better than what I was planning on wearing- my usual baggy zip-up hoodie that has a hole in the cuff. She knows me way too well.

  Weaving through the crowded house, I start to realize that I don’t recognize a single person. This probably should have been expected, since I’ve never even met the guy whose birthday it is, but I figured there’d be a lot of people from the gym. So far, that’s not the case.

  At least there are girls here, although one of them is far too young. A little girl with blond pigtails pushes past me, running towards the kitchen and giggling. I look around in shock, trying to find her parents. Who the hell would bring a kid to a party? I follow the girl, honestly worried for her safety, only to find her climbing onto a counter behind Caden and another guy.

  Caden looks different outside of the gym. Friendlier. His usual cut-off and baggy shorts are replaced with cargo shorts and a red and blue faded flannel, the buttons undone so I can see the plain white shirt beneath it. The cuffs are rolled up just below his elbow, hiding his tattoos. Now that he’s not soaked in sweat, his hair has shape. It’s long enough for the ends that aren’t pushed back to curl onto his forehead, giving the messy impression that he just rolled out of bed. He looks scruffy and sexy and all of this makes me hate him ten time more.

  The kitchen table is pushed to the side, making room for two guys fighting each other. People all around scream and cheer as they pound away. They’re awful fighters, their punches barely making an impact. The little girl shouts and waves her arms as Caden takes a swig of beer.

  I scan the crowd, hoping to see someone else, anyone else, but I still don’t recognize anyone. Biting the bullet, I move toward Caden in the hopes that he won’t be a total asshole tonight.

  He nods at me to acknowledge my presence and takes another sip from his bottle.

  “I thought we weren’t allowed to drink?” I tease.

  “I’m not under contract. Plus, I’m 22.” One of his eyebrows is cocked at me while he smiles. I’m not sure if it’s because we are out of the gym, or because he’s drinking, but he seems happier. Even relaxed. “You, on the other hand, need to be on your best behavior.”

  “You’re not the boss of me outside of the gym.”

  “Thank God. You’re not easy to be the boss of. I need the break.” I wait to see if he’s teasing or really being rude. The stone-faced look he’s giving me cracks, revealing a devilish grin.

  “You could channel my mother and just give up.” I give him the same stone-face he gave me, but I don’t last as long. After a second, we’re both smiling wide.

  “Hit him harder!” I jump when the little girl behind us screams at the top of her lungs. Her tiny fist is in the air as she cheers, and I can’t decide if she’s scary or adorable. Maybe both.

  “Who thought it’d be a good idea to bring a kid here?” I whisper to him, judgment clear in my voice. Caden’s face contorts in pain.

  “Actually, I did.” Before I can react, he grabs the little girl and storms out of the room. I lean against the counter and try to process that information. There’s no way she’s his, but I can’t see parents being okay with a babysitter bringing their child to someplace like this.

  Just my luck that I would say something offensive right as we were starting to get along. I shake my head and decide to go after him, hoping I can stop him from hating me more than he already does.

  I find him outside on a wooden bench, discussing animal rights with the little girl on his lap. As they talk, his fingers softly rework her hair-ties so the pig-tails are straight. For the first time around him, I find it hard not to smile.

  “Sorry to interrupt.” Caden’s back straightens at the sound of my voice. The little girl turns around to smile up at me, a chubby hand waving hello in the air. I wave back, ignoring Caden’s grumpy face.

  “Cass, why don’t you go practice your cartwheels in the grass? Right there, where I can see you." She bolts across the lawn, obviously desperate to get her energy out. I watch her until she’s far enough away, then turn my attention back to Caden.

  “This seat taken?” The question is a formality, so I sit down before he can answer. He turns his attention away from Cassie long enough to give me a side glance.

  “Is now.”

  “I just wanted to apologize. I have a really big mouth.” He leans back on the bench and crosses his arms. Giving into temptation, I look over at him. His eyes are focused on the sky, but he knows that I’m looking at him because his face isn’t relaxed. Since the cat is already out of the bag, I let myself stare for a moment longer. He looks tired. No, not tired. Exhausted.

  Guilt eats away at my hate for him. “I really am sorry, Caden. I’ve been a bitch, like, since moment one.”

  “Don’t worry about it.” Something good happens in the house because everyone cheers loudly. We both glance over our shoulders, like the brown siding can give us a clue to what’s going on inside. Once the noise quiets down to the usual loud music, he looks back at me and smiles. “Trust me, you’re not as bad as my sister.”

  “Is she your sister?” He doesn’t have to look to know I’m point
ing at the little girl rolling around in the grass.

  “One of them. I’ve got two.”

  “Got stuck babysitting tonight?” His body language changes, the relaxed exterior dissolving into something restless. He focuses his attention on the ground, kicking the dirt in front of us with the toe of his shoe.

  “Something like that.” His face fills with darkness. For whatever reason, I think of Elliot. Of that darkness that used to hide beneath the surface. Is Caden the same way? Full of secrets and demons, just waiting to come out and play? I don’t think he’d be the type. Then again, I didn’t think that about Elliot either, and look where that got me.

  I watch Cassie, hoping for a distraction from my thoughts. Instead, I start thinking about how sweet and innocent she seems to be. How easily she might lose it, falling into the same trap I did. When I look back at Caden he’s watching her too. I wonder if he’s worrying about that sort of thing as well. Probably not, because he’s smiling.

  “You’re somethin’ else Caden Larson.” I’m not sure what makes me say this. Something in that smile most likely. He looks over at me and his eyes travel along my face. In an unexpected turn of events, the attention doesn’t make me uncomfortable. Instead, I find myself liking the way he looks at me.

  “What’s your story Aubrey?” The question catches me off guard. My response is cliché, but effective.

  “You first.” He laughs, and I can’t help but feel a little disappointed. I wouldn’t mind hearing about his life. Then again, I’m not willing to share my own information, so it’s not fair for me to hope he’d share his.

  Oh God, what would Caden thinks of my relationship with Elliot? As a cop, he’d hate it. He would hear about how I used to clean blood off Elliot’s clothes, blood that wasn’t Elliot’s. He would hear about how I used to help him count his money after a big deal, wrapping each stack with a paper band. He would hear about how often I listened in on plans, watched illegal activities, and drove the getaway car. He would consider me on the same level as Elliot, nothing but a piece of shit criminal.

  As a person, I wonder if it would be different. Yeah, he has that darkness inside him, but not everyone gives into their demons. Some people, proof being in the form of Myla, can have demons and darkness and still be inherently good.

  “You should get in there and network. I gotta get this one to bed.” He stands up, careful not to brush me as he passes. “See ya Monday.”

  Cassie sees him coming from her spot across the lawn. Little legs pump fast as she flies into his open arms. He picks her up and swings her around before settling her small body against his chest.

  Her face nestles into the crook of his neck, feet swinging with every step he takes. I can’t help but notice that he carries her like a father. Like at any moment, his strength will be tested. At any moment, she could be taken away.

  Chapter Twelve

  Caden

  I’m not entirely dreading training Aubrey this morning. Not that I missed her or anything, because a full day without seeing her was quite nice. Yet, she’ll be the first person in the last twenty-four hours to like me. Well, to at least not hate me.

  Cassie is pouting because I signed her up to start Kindergarten. Caitlin’s upset because I told her she can’t stay out past her curfew Friday night for a back to school bonfire. Jason’s back on the ‘Get Caden to Fight Again’ campaign trail. My boss at work isn’t impressed with the fact that I forgot to file some paperwork for our new informant. Oh, and that lovely informant? He probably hates me most of all for the piss tests I ‘randomly’ ask him to do every single day.

  I run a mile on the treadmill to get my head straight. The release of energy is a relief after not working out yesterday. I know I’m allowed to come here even though no one else can, but I try to spend as much time as I can with the girls on Sundays. Not that either of them were interested in my presence, both remaining holed up in their rooms all day.

  With my mind speeding through my never-ending list of things to do, I don’t notice Aubrey walk in. I nearly fall off the treadmill when I catch sight of her.

  “Jesus.” I try to breathe, the track automatically slowing down since my chest string ripped off. She looks up at me and offers an apologetic smile.

  “Did I scare you?”

  “No.” I put my hands on my hips and try to act cool. She doesn’t buy it and snorts. It’s a cute sound. Woah, where’d that come from? “Okay, maybe yes. I was a little out of it.”

  “Don’t worry about it. I get like that when I work out by myself.”

  “Yeah. I’ve witnessed.” I remember the first day I met her, when she was punching the bag in the back. Her concentration was insane.

  Once her water bottle is full, she sits down on a mat and begins stretching. Since you can never stretch too much, I sit down on the mat facing hers and do the same. The silence between us is perfect, and that’s how I should know it won’t last.

  She speaks first, eyes on her knees as she stretches forward. “So, Jason said you don’t fight.”

  “Yup.”

  “Do you really think you can train me to fight without ever actually fighting with me?” She rests her chin on her knees and glances up at me. Damn, she’s flexible. That’ll work in our favor when she gets in the ring.

  “Jason seems to think so.” It’s hard to focus. With her bent like that, the swoop of her tank-top is showing just how strained her breasts are against her sports bra. She huffs, but her eyes are closed, so I assume it’s because of the comment and not because I was checking out her chest. “Do you have a problem with me training you?”

  “Yes.” Her honesty surprises me. Jason already told me she came to him but I didn’t expect her to come to me, too. Maybe she has more fight in her than I thought.

  “Well, you can put in a request for a different trainer.” It’s true. Jason really wants us to work together, for whatever messed up mind-game reason, but she has the right to pick a different trainer. Although, I have a feeling Jason would remind her she also has a right to go to a different gym.

  She must think the same. “Shrug.”

  I wait but she doesn’t shrug. This girl continues to get weirder. “Well, then it looks like we’re stuck together.”

  “Looks like.” She stands up, balancing on one leg to stretch out her quad. Silence wraps around us for a while, this time thick and uncomfortable. It takes her until she’s done with both legs before getting the nerve to ask the next question.

  “Do you think you’ll ever fight again?”

  “No.” The sudden flash of anger within me drives me up and forward. I head to the first station, adjusting the Bobby so it’s facing the direction I want it to be. She doesn’t get the hint, or doesn’t care about the hint, and keeps pushing.

  “How can you say that? You were amazing, and you loved it.”

  “You don’t know anything about me.” I say this low enough for just her to hear. There’s no reason to start an argument now that the gym is filling with other people.

  “How the hell do you expect me to get anywhere if you can’t teach me to fight?”

  “You know how to fight.” I grab her by the shoulders and place her in front of the Bobby. Every muscle in her body goes rigid. Then they kick into overdrive, creating visible tremors. “Are you cold? Where’s your sweatshirt?”

  Now that I’m thinking about it, she’s wearing something other than her ratty, black sweatshirt for the first time since I’ve met her. She’s not looking at me, her eyes focused on something far away. I turn to see what it is, but all that’s there is the gray brick wall. “Aubrey?”

  “Yes.” The word comes out in a breath. Bright blue eyes blink once, then focus on me. Like nothing happened, she smiles. “Sorry, I zoned out.”

  That’s one way to describe it. Not sure if it’s the route I would go. “Do you need a sweatshirt?”

  “No. I left it in the car on purpose. It’s getting in the way of some of the exercises you taught me.”

  “Okay.” I scratch the stubble on my chin as I mull over what to do. If I call her out on acting weird just now, I might pop the delicate bubble we have going. Then again, if I don’t call her out, it could affect our future relationship. As a trainer and fighter, of course.